this is not a timeless piece of work. it exists in the moment, like puppies & i do. enjoy it or don't. + "did i mention recently that i continue to hate rab" + by lish [ the scene: some strange off-brand rab munch in a hotel in detroit. it would be called rabcon, but keith alexander finally was pushed too far & has trademarked the term. he is unwilling to give or sell rights to the name, & so the completely uncreative munch-goers have been forced to label this heinous event "munchcon". we find yttrx, among others, standing listening to joel m eichen, medical prick. ] Joel M Eichen: Tongue piercing bad. Lip piercing bad. Tongue web piercing bad. Off-center tongue piercing bad. Uvula piercing bad. Below tongue through jaw piercing bad. Acidbaby good. shannon: Uhh... Tiffany: what makes YOU different?..absolutely nothing yttrx: rrreeEEEEYYYAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!# [ yttrx drops to the floor & begins to writhe viciously. a horrendous meaty tearing sound accompanies further screams as the onlookers gape in abject terror. the skin of yttrx's back splits, & giant membraneous wings sprout from his shoulderblades. with a rebel yell, yttrx takes to the air. further transformations occur, including the growth of wickedly sharp talons. yttrx swoops down from the vaulted hotel ceilings & spears joel m eichen through the chest. lifting joel's now silent body, yttrx carries it as high as possible & then lets him fall. joel splats on the carpeting. yttrx lands gently on a nearby chair. ] barry: That was interesting. denise: You should call Jim Rose. [ yttrx returns to normal. joel's corpse is harvested for ivory. DRLG enters the room wearing nothing but a pleather couch. ] Spidergod5: I'm going to be on Ricki Lake this month. Meghan: hehe Kavin: Does that tattoo mean you're HIV positive? DRLG: no. this symbol has deep personal meaning for me. i always said i'll never get a tattoo, but if i did, it'd be a biohazard symbol. the colors also have deep personal meaning for me. the fact that it's crooked also has deep personal meaning for me. Kavin: Um. I have purple pubes, motherfucker. DRLG: i'm not a victim. Kavin: And I don't wear underpants. [ he walks away before DRLG has a chance to start whining about his abusive ex-boyfriend. kavin approaches a rather large person sitting at a computer. she appears to be using AOL's newsreader. ] rebekkkah: i don't read RAB anymore. DRLG: rebekkkah: david doesn't forward me posts anymore. rebekkkah's fat: [ rebekkkah looks at her midsection & pauses for a moment, pensive. ] rebekkkah: i have nothing to say in regards to that. Spidergod5: I'm going to be on Guinness this month. heidi: hehe [ with no warning, the floorboards begin to crack & buckle upwards. merkle-a1 bursts out of the floor & into the room. she begins screaming at everyone. ] merkle-a1: ABORTION is WRONG! i HATE CHILDREN! if i got pregnant i'd GO TO TERM! EVERY FETUS is a BABY! i am NOT CATHOLIC! Kavin: See? Using caps IS akin to yelling. ruffnrugged: i'll get u pergnet murkl if u gime a indin ink tatoo merkle-a1: Are you... black? ruffnrugged: god lvoes evry1 merkle-a1: Yes, God loves everyone who is pro-life. <3 [ daver flips merkle-a1 the bird. ] daver: You know, when I was young, I broke my middle finger and got to flip everybody off for six weeks. [ daver goes into vicious detail. siddy enters the room & gives daver her full attention. distracted by his story, she falls into a merkle-shaped hole in the floor. now we know. ] myrrh: You just broke the fourth wall. Spidergod5: I'm going to be on Geraldo this month. katester: hehe shannon: And uhm, Haji can't come to, uh, ModCon 3. haji: Your girlfriend is a stupid bitch. shannon's girl: but don't you SEEEE? i WIN! I WIIIIIN! Golgotha: Tits. And beer. Beer and tits. rebekkkah's nipple: where am i? http://www.bmeworld.com/lobez/rbnm.jpg daver: I'm still not telling what RANA stands for. [ exeunt daver angrily. enter wyrdwoman, saram, & ladyj. they each carry a large club & a can of spray-cheese. saram has orange hair. ladyj has a mess of boys at her elbow; no one can explain that part. ] Nightwyng: Let's have a munch just for people who have substituted "y"s into their nicks for no apparent reason. Vampyre: fakes. poseurs. they're all wannabes. all but me. WyrdWoman: It's time for another South Carolina munch. lish: what? huh? what'd i do? katester: oh for fuck's sake! Meghan: Did somebody say munch? DRLG: i can't afford to eat so well as top ramen but i'm getting another bead in my cock tomorrow if anyone wants to come. saram: Does that tattoo mean you're HIV positive? DRLG: no. this symbol... i just like it, okay? saram: So you're not HIV positive, then? DRLG: no, i'm not. saram: But you're a gay man with a biohazard tattoo. Doesn't that mean you're HIV positive? DRLG: sigh. LadyJ: I warned you about this, David. LadyJ's boys: is it time for fucking now? [ exeunt ladyj, boys clinging to her. enter acidbaby. he's covered in prison tattoos & is carrying a bottle of rubbing alcohol. everyone in the room simultaneously stops speaking & looks over at him in anticipation. he pauses dramatically. ] acidbaby: i tatooed nicki taylor's dog once Keith: Shut up. yttrx: Go away. Die. Fucking die. Fuck you. Die. NOW. FUCKING DIE! [ acidbaby falls over dead. ] yttrx: Huh. How about that. Keith: INFORMATION WANTS TO BE FREE! burnt-kat: So what you're saying is that you want people to talk when they shouldn't otherwise be doing what they wouldn't as if they did? Keith: Shut up and lurk. RevPhule: where the hell have I been recently? [ yttrx shrugs in revphule's general direction & walks off to find the snack cart. keith goes off to publish acidbaby's tattoo ink documents, after a heavy grammar check. burnt-kat goes to a corner of the room & sits quietly. enter josh burdette. ] josh: does that tattoo mean you're HIV positive? DRLG: NO!!! [ acting purely from rage & frustration, & the fact that he has nothing on his person save a pleather sofa, DRLG manages to shit a 7" damascus steel blade with an emerald encrusted hilt & onyx-coated pommel. he begins hacking at his back in a desperate attempt to obliterate the tattoo. ] Judy: That's disgusting. [ spidergod5 runs up & starts eating the chunks of hacked-off flesh. ] Judy: Okay. That's worse. Judy: !@#!@$!@#!$!!@#!$#$! Spidergod5: I'm going to be on Wheel of Fortune this month. josh: hehe stir fry pork: I don't really have enough of a personality to be given any lines here. shannon: Uhm... laura hughes: You guys forgot about me awfully quick. :( laura carey: I'M UNSUBSCRIBING - YOU ARE ALL ASSHOLES laura gitchel: YEAH! ME TOO! laura hughes: YEAH! ME TOO! jeff gitchel: I've known this for years. Back in the day... Suzy: I LOVE MY DEAR HUSBAND! TONY... TONY! IS! MY! DH!... ?SYNTAX ERROR...ILOVEMYHUSBANDHUBBYLOVEMARRYLOVEHAPPYHAPPY [ the skin of suzy's face starts to melt as she fizzes with sparks. the top of her head blows off & the room is showered in capacitors & bits of wire. altaira enters with a box of german chocolates. ] saram: What's the command in IRC to give the channel's usernames? kmdirks: irc is mean. :( grub: /sc lish: WHERE ARE YOU GETTING YOUR INFORMATION? katester: oh for fuck's sake! scamp: I'm having another arm attached so Trevor can give me more tattoos. geoff: We can afford this because we make an obscene amount of money. scamp: You know who shouldn't make any money? Juli Moon. geoff: [ scamp & geoff embrace & proceed to have twice-weekly sex. ] yttrx: Well Ill be damned. freddie maney: Yttrx *plonk* Judy: Fred, this is real life. You don't have a killfile. freddie maney: Judy *plonk* ray pearson: I'm old. I'm hairy. I'm ugly. I'm broken. Anyone need insurance? roy: I own RAB. Judy: No, Lish owns RAB. roy: I own YOUR MOM! Judy: You're such an idiot. Let's hang out IRL. [ exeunt judy & roy to a barbeque. a barbeque with beer. exeunt golgotha to the beer. ] skaterat: What would possess someone to purchase a CD of covers by Kenny Rogers? holly: does ANYONE read my info as something other than "fry stink"? stan: heidi: hey! I make lightbulbs! That's science! lish: -ience katester: oh for fuck's sake! dthomas: begin 666 beads.jpg all: FUCK YOOOOOOU! Spidergod5: I'm going to be on a rerun of Family Ties this month. AngieK: hehe Chumley: DRLG: don't forget, i know elayne angel's mother's maiden name. [ a plague of locusts visits itself upon "munchcon". all are destroyed. ] [ the end. again. fuck. ]