+ "here is a thirty-seven page paper on how much I HATE RAB" + by lish [ the scene: a motel 6 in southern california. there's no longer a munchcon (nee rabcon) budget, so the vanful of hip RABids drove around trying doors until they found an unlocked motel conference room. this event coalesces in that room. heidi has seated herself at a folding table by the front entrance & is greeting those incoming. ] heidi: Welcome to MunchCon 2.7.1! Please take a nametag. And please read the ConferEtiquette Rules Handbook I specially printed for this occasion. [ no one takes a nametag. no one reads the handbook. heidi twitches quietly to herself. the room is nearly silent. ] Xaonon: So, guys, what's up? heidi: someone please love me skyelass: Yesterday a jaguar tried to gnaw off my breast. I have to wear this Boobie Cast for three years until it grows back. [ suddenly, the emergency door slams open. alarm bells trill briefly & are quickly silenced. lish has entered the room. barry follows close behind her, carrying some sort of mechanical device. ] lish: h- [ lish is cut off by a loud, high-pitched beeping sound. she spins around & glares at barry. ] Barry: sorry. lish: g- [ beeping ensues. ] kavin: Lish is being silenced by the combine of death that IS Anatometal. saram: A combine of death with a sweet fruity filling! Cat Spencer: Anyone want some free tattoo work? Hehehe... iscariot: i do! saram: I do! d-strss: i do! lish: i- Barry's toy: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP lish: Barry's toy: beep. [ lish goes off to look for a pad of paper. oo0odangergirl stumbles into the gathering. she is dripping blood & both looks & smells very drunk. ] o0o0dangergirl: Epsom salt is the same as normal table salt. I said this in BME's Question of the Moment on the same day I stated that I had a keloid on my ear that I got rid of with vitamin E massages. Nina: Epsom salt is NOT sodium chloride. It is hydrated magnesium sulphate, MgSO4.7H20. And IT WASN'T A KELOID. Shannon: Last thing I need right now is a lawsuit from someone who follows poor advice. Erica: But BME told me to!! o00odangergirl: So I know I laid waste to an entire culture because I wanted their symbols. josh: yes, you did. o001dangergirl: So am I going to hell? josh: yes. right now, in fact. };> [ josh tucks 0o0odangergirl into his armpit & cracks her like a walnut. ] rebekkkah: more food? Skookums: Skookums is looking for the appetizers. rebekkkah: i, uh. they're gone. sorry. Skookums: Skookums is not pleased. Skookums wonders if someone other than Skookums could provide more appetizers. Skookums is hungry. rebekkkah: we could munch if you wanted to. i'm so depressed. Starr: That's half the reason I dumped you. [ rebekkkah looks down her body sadly. ] Starr: And that's the other half. Andy: Mara. Find me some food, now. Mara: Yes, my love. [ mara crawls out of the room. she returns in a moment, carrying a small styrofoam carton of chicken strips & french fries, purchased at the lobby bar for $12.99 plus tax. her head is bowed in subservience. ] Mara: Is this good? Andy: Eh. I suppose you'll want to eat, too. [ andy produces a dog bowl & a can of alpo from his coat pockets. he scoops the mess into the bowl & places it in front of mara. ] Mara: Thank you, Andy. Andy: Bitch. [ andy takes his chicken & fries & goes off to flirt with DRLG. tabaqui is aghast. philly remains aghast. ] Keith: *** Cripes, get OVER it already. Tabaqui: I'm never letting MY daughter marry a man like that. DRLG: he's really not so bad once you know him... [ DRLG walks over to the bar where mara is crying. a strange man enters the room. he has a starfish tattoo on his neck & is wearing a cowboy hat. he begins to talk loudly to anyone who will listen. ] Eric: So i was at this bar once and I met this girl and I didnt really think much of her but she said 'I want to have you for dinner" so i said Lets go and so I was fucking her in the ass that nite and i pulled out and stuck my dick in her mouth and I could'nt belive she was into it and then I asked her that, i said "Your eating your own butt!" and I pushed her off me and said Your fucking sick, whore and wiped my dick on her hair and left. I never saw her again. Eric: This party is fucking lame [ eric leaves. confused RABids look at one another. ] katester: who the hell was that? Barry: Lish's boss. [ the RABids accept this as logical & return to their mindless chatter. enter myrrh, pushing a hand truck stacked with a full set of encyclopaedias. they are much taller than she is. ] myrrh: Oscillating field, induce a current, paramagnetic, physical mechanism, Joule heating, dipole radiation, undergo. myrrh: I've said enough for three lifetimes. [ exeunt myrrh and her hand truck. enter a scrawny youngster with a pumpkin-shaped halloween candy bucket. ] scarymann: I've been wanting the same tattoo since 1995 and I'm ready to get it does anyone know a good artist? Cat Spencer: I can tattoo you! scarymann: I'm seven years old is that a problem? scarymann: Cat? [ cat has mysteriously vanished. ladyj walks up to scarymann, who is still looking around for cat. ] LadyJ: That's a dumb design. scarymann: I've wanted this all my life. It's from a CD that came out last month. You can't change my mind. LadyJ: You're dumb, too. scarymann: Okay, I'll get something else instead. But I'm getting tattooed today. acidbaby: got n-e drugs ill do it 4 u larry: Speaking of crappy tattooists, thank god Lobez retired. If she hadn't, I'd probably still be getting shite-ass work from her. Lobez: what did you say? larry: Hi! Want to tattoo my face? [ lobez pulls out a guitar string and a bottle of acrylic paint. ladyj walks off, disgusted, to find patrick cornolo somewhere in chicago. ] Shannon: I wish people would clean their piercings before sending me pictures. Also, some of those experiences... Sheesh. ~*~ StaceY ~*~: i got my belly peirced today!!!! i went 2 the lady n she sprayed freezing spray onto it i asked her to put more then normal then she clamed it and said this is the painfulist part n i didnt even think it hurted!!! then she jamed the neddle through my belly button and put in my bananna bar with 2 blue jewles on it!!!! it is so cute n sexy and im so happy GET YOUR'S DONE!!!! love u all [ all look at stacey. ] daver: hEHHEheHEhEHHEhHEHEhEHHEhHEheHEHHEHE :) :):):):) : :) lish: the- Barry's toy: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP daver: This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. The broadcasters in your area, in voluntary cooperation with federal, state and local authorities, have developed this system to keep you informed in the event of an emergency. If this had been an actual emergency, the attention signal you just heard would have been followed by official information, news, or instructions. [ barry shrugs & walks off to talk to JD from industrial strength. ] Tabaqui: If only everyone could- all: BE A LITTLE NICER TO EACH OTHER! [ spontaneous fistfights break out all over the lobby. andy clubs mara in the jaw. baital tears out a clump of yttrx's hair. barry is seen smashing JD's nose into his brain. DRLG hits himself, because no one else will touch him. ] Barry: He knows I'm just kidding. [ barry buys JD a beer. JD's body is limp and rapidly cooling. ] Barry: Well. I guess we're number one again. saram: I'm really, really broke. iscariot: youre poor, huh. im not. saram: I mean I'm totally, completely broke. iscariot: so youve mentioned. saram: Oh! Guys! This month I'm going to fly to Missouri, rent a car, book a hotel room, pay for gas, food, and presents for people, and get half my arm tattooed! lish: wow. you're a giant hypoc- [ barry comes running over from across the room. ] Barry's toy: BEEEEEEP! lish: :( Keith: *** FIGHT THE POWER! SLAUGHTER THE SACRED COW! sacredcow: :( [ enter skaterat, lugging a briefcase. he jingles as he walks. ] skaterat: Gosh, I have a lot of jewelry here I've never worn. Let's see: 2ga steel eyelets, 8ga Ti plugs, 14 and 12ga steel CBRs... My oh my! saram: skaterat: And two 10ga titanium circulars. [ saram implodes. kavin steps back a little too slowly to avoid being covered in saram goo. ] saram goo: kavin: She was right. This stuff's EVERYwhere. Goddamnit. yttrx: Goddamnit! [ the lizardman walks into the room & sponges up the goo. he applies it to a taper & pushes the taper through his septum. ] Suzy Smith: That's fucking sick. the lizardman: worked great. smells funny, though. Stan: Leeches. Suzy Smith: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaa! Nina: They're incredibly helpful little buggers, you know. Suzy Smith: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe! rogelio martinez: !Ai-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi! grub: o, u, and sometimes y. Brian Gilliam: Rogelio? !TE AMO CADA DIA MAS! !TU Y YO! grub: no one is laughing at my humor. Suzy Smith: My pain is not funny. lish: y- [ barry starts to push his censorship button, when lish turns on him. tearing out his eyes with the fingernails of one hand, she simultaneously reaches into her pocket with the other. she extracts a pencil. printed upon this pencil is the phrase, THE REC.ARTS.BODYART LYDIA AWARDS. she grinds the sharpened point into barry's ears: one, then the other. the bloody pencil is left plunged into barry's crying, shaking form. ] lish: i totally forgot where i was going with that. Barry: Anger management class, I hope. lish: i'm leaving. i truly hate you all. all: we know. lish: ok, see you next year. [ exeunt lish. & without lish, why should anyone bother? ] [ fuck it: FIN ]