THIS IS A WORK OF SATIRE. PLEASE EAT MY ASS NOW. OH, FUCK.

	today's "i hate rab" script is brought to you by the letters
"alt.support.srs" and the number "soc.support.transgendered".

+ "holy shit, i still totally hate rab"
+ by lish

[ the scene: a field in western montreal. RABids, despite having zero
  dollars to their name, zero planning abilities, & an average of eighty
  percent bodyfat, have successfully taken over denise's FFP event. most
  of the RABids have no idea what the FFP is, but go along with whatever
  the other RABids say to do. some eventgoers, oblivious to RAB &
  therefore ignorant to the FAQ & survival guide, need to be ousted. ]

denise's friend #1: who are all these people?
denise's friend #2: i dunno. you have any bud left?
denise's friend #1: no.

[ exeunt denise's two friends. enter nina baltes & yttrx. nina is wearing
  a mortarboard with some sort of dead fetus on it. yttrx is clothed in a
  surprising number of layers & is playing with a pink discus thing. ]

   Nina: They sure left easy.
 Corine: *They're certanly not RABbits. :)
  yttrx: Okay blanchard, its time for you to explain yourself.
  Barry: 
  LadyJ: Come on, shitscrubber, out with it.
  Barry: 
rebekah: MY LIFE SUCKS SO MUCH WAAAAH WHY DOESN'T ANYONE LOVE ME
  Barry: I specifically told lish she's not allowed to make fun of me.

[ the trees shake and field mice go running for shelter as several dozen
  RABids go flying onto their backs in paroxysms of laughter. ]

alabaster: <chortling loudly> do you even know the DEFINITION of libel?!
    Barry: Uh.
  rebekah: did i mention star dumped me? :( :( i'm so depressed

[ barry uses the distraction of bekkkah's forever-fat ass to slip away
  into the corn. yttrx goes after him. ]

  rebekah: <- victim :(
   Corine: *Isn't it time you stopped?
    mouse: Hi there. does anyone know a peircer in new york? Email me
    Keith: *** I'm not piercing anymore. I'm a corporate whore.
Lizardman: I'm RAB's official media whore.
    heidi: i think we know that.
Lizardman: The hell did you come from?
  rebekah: hey guys, i've started a new livejournal for anyone who wants
           to read about my life... i call it Nothing Ever Goes Right In
           My Life Ever.
 ACarmody: can anynoe believe i spent twenty minutes staring at lishs
           navel
  rebekah: did i mention pat dumped me? :( :( i'm so depressed

[ the crowd heaves a collective sigh. heidi makes like a light bulb & gets
  screwed. yttrx returns from the cornfield holding barry's severed head.
  yttrx is wearing quite a bit less clothing and has painted his
  fingernails fairy-dust pink. scott bock pounces on him. ]

scott bock: <tittyfucking yttrx> this is the best ride i've been on...
     Keith: *** I've had better.
   Tabaqui: <petting yttrx's hair> How'd you get it so SOFT?  :)  Sheesh.
       Joy: I'll clean your hairball any day!!
 WyrdWoman: It's mine, whore!

[ a tousle ensues. enter sean christian. he breezes past three mature,
  sexy women engaged in mud wrestling & lays a kiss on barry's stiffening
  face. he kneels before yttrx, mouth agape. ]

sean christian: wait, where did it go

[ sean stumbles away, baffled, intent on emailing lish to ask why the fuck
  she's attacking him. lish preemptively answers: schadenfreude, baby. ]

fr0glet: That was sort of weird.
rebekah: did i mention the nice guy dumped me? :( :( i'm so depressed
   Nina: Speaking of moronic fuckbait, where's Curt?
   Curt: Well, I am so loathed that althogh I am a fatnastically easy
         targit, this is my only line!
    all: YAY!

[ nina pats curt on the back... with a petri dish full of triclosan-
  resistant superbugs. ]

     Nina: Sure, I just released tens of millions of indestructable 
           bacterias into the world, but it was worth it, wasn't it?
Lizardman: Yes.  And I know something about what's "worth it".
   Meghan: Come along.

[ exeunt erik & meghan to wherever it is they've gone. enter gary keske,
  who begins to feel up yttrx. ]

gary keske: This is great. Wait. Am I still gay?
      drlg: sure as i'm filled with the hiv!
suzy smith: Did anyone notice that I look like a hershey kiss?

[ jake walks in carrying a small black box. he sets it down on a milk
  crate in the center of the room. it squawks & gives feedback similar to
  a fast food drive-thru stand. lish can be heard screaming through this
  contraption. jake stands nearby in case the speaker needs coddling. ]

       lish: is yttrx going to modcon?
    Shannon: <banning lish from modcon>
TheTrainers: guns guns guns bigotry you insult people blah blah KILL ALL
             THE DEMOCRATS HEY PAY ATTENTION TO ME
       drlg: lish accepts paypal!!! everyone give lish money!!! really!!!
       lish: does it upset you more that i asked for donations, or that i
             received donations? or that your $15 only bought you a "thank
             you" & not my respect?
   Golgotha: Go move across the country again.
      Scamp: Geoffrey and I will contribute again. :*
       Stan: <proclaming loudly> I don't love Lish anymore!
       Stan: <whispering into the box> iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou
    rebekah: did i mention i have carpal tunnel? :( :( i'm so depressed

[ exeunt bekkkah to the refreshments table. enter cylence & skookums. they
  are both holding mirrors. skookums has a tube of cherry chapstick. ]

        lish: <contemplatively> i wonder if i ever made her cry.
billy corgan: i'm a bullet with butterfly wings.
 TheTrainers: BULLETS? OWNING GUNS IS OUR RIGHT WE CANNOT LET IT BE TAKEN
              FROM US I VOTE! I VOTE!!!!! FUCK ALL THE REPUBLICANS
    katester: cameo.
     Cylence: look at my hyper tropics! I'm a dumb shit!
    Skookums: Skookums is a dumb shit, too!
     Cylence: I'm dumber!
    Skookums: Them's fightin' words!

[ girlie slap-fighting occurs. ]

Cylence: <confused> Wait, I'm not a dumb shit.
   lish: i can make you say anything i want. it's my script.
Cylence: I'm

[ at that moment, cylence evaporates in a puff of blue smoke. bekkkah,
  finished stuffing her 2oz stomach full of raw hamburger & whole cream,
  rejoins the others. enter korrigen, skipping merrily & scowling. ]

rebekah's stomach: blurlgurlgubulfaulurg

[ korrigen quickly attaches herself to bekkkah's asshole & begins to suck.
  moments later, she is rewarded by a long, stringy tube of caramel
  straight from bekkkah's puckered starfish. ]

   Korrigen: <licking her lips> I'm so glad they invented Gastric Bypass
             Surgery.
   RevPhule: hwo do ig et to... richmund... virgina?
Ray Pearson: At Elm street take a right
TheTrainers: RIGHTS? THE GOVERNMENT'S TRYING TO TAKE AWAY OUR RIGHTS!
      wrath: I'm outta here you guys are ASSHOLES
      Keith: .|.. ..|.
       DaVo: Why can't freaks wait till i'm done shooting up before puking
             blood all over me ?
    rebekah: did i mention i was raped at thirteen? :( :( i'm so depressed

[ bekkkah sits sadly down in a pile of her own floppy skin. korrigen's
  feet are visible from beneath the flab. she doesn't seem to be getting
  enough air. no one minds. ]

     yttrx: you know, im not the only one.
    Der-EK: only one what?
jamieblurr: congratulations, cora.
    sfgrrl: laura, sue, molly, georgina, jennifer, jaqueline, paul, diane,
            michelle, natasha, annabelle, darla, lisa, mary kate, tony, 
            sarah, sarah, judy, steph, sally ann, kristen, deb, kathy,
            flower, susie, jessie, sam, kristen, daisy mae, arryana,
            rosy, yvonne, caitlin, alice, audrey, sabrina, cordelia,
            debbie, tori, and francesca.

[ there is an overall pause after this recitation, & then a gooey
  crackling sound is heard as many, many brains melt. corpses still
  standing, they fall hard to the warm earth. denise & hound, who've paid
  this rabcon coup no mind whatsoever, die in a dreadlock fire. the event
  is over. cockroaches emerge from the shadows & begin the long process of
  cleansing the earth. ]

[ fin ]

<p0okala> omg
<p0okala> now I wanna know how obvious I was