[ note: for serious answers, read texts by lish:
tattoo faq: http://compunction.dyndns.org/healing.txt
piercing faq: http://compunction.dyndns.org/healing2.txt ]
Yttrx's Body Modification FAQ, Part Two; Tattoos
This FAQ will attempt to answer every last one of the common
tattoo questions asked of the denziens of rec.arts.bodyart
by starry-eyed newbies.
I. Before getting tattooed
1. Will it hurt?
a. Even if its on my shoulderblade?
b. Even if its on my chest?
c. Even if its on my calf?
d. How about the inside of my upper arm?
2. Ive really wanted a tattoo for a long time...what
should I get?
3. I live in the Chicago Illinios area, and id like
to get a tattoo. Can you recommend anyone?
4. I WANT MY GIRLFRIEND TO GET MY NAME TATTOOED ON
HER ASS BUT THE BITCH KEEPS MAKING EXCUSES THAT SHE
DOESNT WANT TO BUT ILL MAKE HER AND SHELL DO IT IF
SHE KNOWS WHATS GOOD FOR HER ANYWAY MY QUESTION IS
IS IT POSSIBLE TO GET THE LETTERS BACKWARDS YOU KNOW
SO YOU CAN READ IT IN A MIRROR??????????
5. I heard that you can get a tattoo with glow in the
dark ink, but where can I get one?
6. I have a tattoo of my fraternity letters on my ass
but I want to get them covered up with something else.
The problem is, I still want to show my loyalty to
my fraternity and I dont want my brothers to get upset
that I covered up the letters. What should I get?
7. I dont understand how anyone could abuse their bodies
like this. It makes me ill. What do your poor mothers
think about all of this?
II. After getting tattooed
1. Ive been rubbing aloe vera/skin so soft/Bodyshop Twinkletime
Hippie Dippie Ding Dong lotion all over my brand new tattoo
now every half an hour for two weeks, yet it still seems
as vivid and vibrant as the day I got it. Whats the deal
with that?
2. What should I do with all the scabs ive been picking off
my new tattoo?
3. Wait a minute, hold on, you mean this thing is permanent?
4. I have a 'tribal' tattoo on my face/my penis/my head/my
earlobe/my inner labia/my anus, arent I special?
5. Id love to get a tattoo on my face/my penis/my head/my
earlobe/my inner labia/my anus, but im one of those people
that has a REAL job and I really cant be bothered with anything
like that lest my bosses find out that im really an immature
little freak. I guess I really dont have a question, I
really just typed that to justify my own wussiness and to
secretly lament my own lack of public freakishness. Ive
really sold out and it makes me feel very small inside.
6. My mom saw my tattoo and kicked me out of the house. Now im
living in the dumpster behind the mall with my friends who
were also kicked out of their houses. We're having a hard time
out here and its getting cold. Can you spare some change?
6a. I have some facial piercings and an anarchy tattoo on the
inside of my forearm. I live in the suburbs of Chicago and
my mom drives me in to the city every saturday so I can
sit on the sidewalk near Clark and Belmont and beg for change
with my friends. My mom gives gave me her visa gold card to
buy a brand new 400 dollar leather corset, but the bitch
at the 99th Floor wont take it because it doesnt have my
name on it. I'm trying to raise the money to get the corset
anyhow; can you spare some change?
I. Before getting tattooed
1. Will it hurt?
Yes.
a. Even if its on my shoulderblade?
Yes.
b. Even if its on my chest?
Yes.
c. Even if its on my calf?
Yes.
d. How about the inside of my upper arm?
Yes. Like a rusty razorblade being drawn
slowly through your living flesh by an army
of fire ants.
2. Ive really wanted a tattoo for a long time...what
should I get?
You should get a strangely attractive demon
with red skin and big beautiful black dragon
wings sitting in front of a computer with a
cigarette dangling from its mouth and a
maniacal grin with 'Yttrx Forever' scrolled
underneath.
3. I live in the Chicago Illinios area, and id like
to get a tattoo. Can you recommend anyone?
Patrick Cornolo and Kim Saigh. You wont
be remotely disappointed by either one.
4. I WANT MY GIRLFRIEND TO GET MY NAME TATTOOED ON
HER ASS BUT THE BITCH KEEPS MAKING EXCUSES THAT SHE
DOESNT WANT TO BUT ILL MAKE HER AND SHELL DO IT IF
SHE KNOWS WHATS GOOD FOR HER ANYWAY MY QUESTION IS
IS IT POSSIBLE TO GET THE LETTERS BACKWARDS YOU KNOW
SO YOU CAN READ IT IN A MIRROR??????????
Yes.
5. I heard that you can get a tattoo with glow in the
dark ink, but where can I get one?
You cant. Drop it. Move on. Live without it.
Quit posting here. Go away. Deal. It will
never happen. Give up.
6. I have a tattoo of my fraternity letters on my ass
but I want to get them covered up with something else.
The problem is, I still want to show my loyalty to
my fraternity and I dont want my brothers to get upset
that I covered up the letters. What should I get?
A Yosemite Sam with guns a-blazin. That oughta
fool 'em.
7. I dont understand how anyone could abuse their bodies
like this. It makes me ill. What do your poor mothers
think about all of this?
Mom?
II. After getting tattooed
1. Ive been rubbing aloe vera/skin so soft/Bodyshop Twinkletime
Hippie Dippie Ding Dong lotion all over my brand new tattoo
now every half an hour for two weeks, yet it still seems
as vivid and vibrant as the day I got it. Whats the deal
with that?
You need to pick the scabs alot. That will make it
heal really nicely, and you'll get lots and lots of
dullness and spotty color. Dont forget to pick them
EVERY SINGLE DAY.
2. What should I do with all the scabs ive been picking off
my new tattoo?
Eat them.
3. Wait a minute, hold on, you mean this thing is permanent?
Ohhh yeah. Dont worry, you can just cross her
name out when you find The One (TM).
4. I have a 'tribal' tattoo on my face/my penis/my head/my
earlobe/my inner labia/my anus, arent I special?
No.
5. Id love to get a tattoo on my face/my penis/my head/my
earlobe/my inner labia/my anus, but im one of those people
that has a REAL job and I really cant be bothered with anything
like that lest my bosses find out that im really an immature
little freak. I guess I really dont have a question, I
really just typed that to justify my own wussiness and to
secretly lament my own lack of public freakishness. Ive
really sold out and it makes me feel very small inside.
Dont sweat it. If EVERYONE who had permanent visible
body modifications went out and got all the Real Jobs (TM)
there'd be none left for those of us with testicles and
half a brain.
6. My mom saw my tattoo and kicked me out of the house. Now im
living in the dumpster behind the mall with my friends who
were also kicked out of their houses. We're having a hard time
out here and its getting cold. Can you spare some change?
NO! Get a fucking job, nutbag. Dont make me slap you.
6a. I have some facial piercings and an anarchy tattoo on the
inside of my forearm. I live in the suburbs of Chicago and
my mom drives me in to the city every saturday so I can
sit on the sidewalk near Clark and Belmont and beg for change
with my friends. My mom gives gave me her visa gold card to
buy a brand new 400 dollar leather corset, but the bitch
at the 99th Floor wont take it because it doesnt have my
name on it. I'm trying to raise the money to get the corset
anyhow; can you spare some change?
NO!!! And next time I see you sitting there, I swear
to GOD im going to plant one of my 250 dollar steel
toed doc martens that I bought with money from my
REAL JOB right in your fucking face. Goddamnit,
you really REALLY piss me off.
Miscellanious Misanthropy:
-- People in the world who can kiss my ass:
1. People with more expensive boots than me
2. People who have found 'religion'
3. Christians who want me to be christian too.
4. Muslims who think that Allah wants them to kill
me.
5. People who spend 120,000 dollars on college, grad
school and then post grad and whine because they
cant find a job being a Jungian Analytical Reichian
bodywork therapist for undiscovered virii that may
or may not have existed in the writings of Gurdjieff
pertaining to extraterrestrial intelligences in the
vicinity of Sirius B.
6. People who went to college for HALF the time that
I did, but actually walked out with a degree in
phys-ed or something and now make six figures
being MY BOSS.
7. People who think my tongue piercing is 'icky'.
8. Icky people who have tongue piercings.
9. Todd Bertrang.
10. Percolating pubescent girls in baby tees and
vinyl circle skirts with flourescent green and
yellow pigtails and Hello Kitty plastic purses
squealing about this being their first time ever
at the Berlin, and then promptly leaving with mildly
disturbed looks on their faces after the transexual
brigade arrives.
11. Girls who wear baby tees.
12. Boys who wear baby tees.
13. Scientologists
14. Anyone who ever wore anything in the late eighties
that said 'Die yuppie scum!'
15. People who think Sketchers are as cool as Doc Martens.
16. People who think ANYthing is as cool as Doc Martens.
17. Teenie boppers in 'mosh' pits who whine when you
stomp on their face.
18. Hippie dippie dipshits who can see my 'aura' and think
I need to be more 'spiritual' so that I can 'heal'.
19. Wiccans who cant admit that Gardener invented their
religion and that it really isnt a milleniums-old
system of mysterious rites and rituals that came from
the Great Yoni of the Goddess.
20. People who think that Ascii is Real.
-----yttrx